??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
