I wish I could punch you in the face.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
