if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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