I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
