when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
