i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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