i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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