Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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