i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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