discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
false alarm, still single
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
