I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
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When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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