my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
