I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I love having hate sex.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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