so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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