We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
