My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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