I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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