My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
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