By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
