Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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