The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
