brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
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oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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