Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
