You don't have asthma, your pregnant
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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