i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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