beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
