someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
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my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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