I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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