My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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