I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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