Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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