i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
