Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
