Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
