I am in a vortex of obligation.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
