So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Randomize
