woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You need Xanax blowdarts
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
