I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
