Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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