Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I look better un-naked...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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