____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
