If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
