So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
