I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
