Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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