I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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