eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
