I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
