he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
