Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
