508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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