This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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