I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
