I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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