if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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