i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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