I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
